As this year comes to it’s conclusion, I realize that I look forward to it’s demise with much anticipation…

For this is the year I will not be getting a phone call from my parents wishing me a happy new year, nor any other year from this year forward…

This has been a year of loss, adjustment,healing, and becoming stronger…

And finally, it is time to face the New Year, with all it’s promise, putting our best foot forward and seize the year and make it the best year ever, while looking back at the past, not with regret, but with respect and reverence to the two people who are still the most important in my heart, and are there with me always.

So, to Baby New Year, and all it’s promise!

May this New Year be a bright and Happy Year for my family, and for yours!

Good Morning Mom & Dad.

It’s your first Christmas together in heaven, and while your family celebrates the day together, our thoughts wander back to Christmas’s past and of the times together shared.

Today, I celebrate our life together, with no regrets, and lots of fond memories and love for you both today.

I hope you both enjoy your day together, and take a moment to spread the light of your  love, and joy upon your family on this, our first Christmas without you both present with us.

Your Loving Son…

Lewis

I have been thinking about how close Christmas is now, and I’m trying to decide just what I’m feeling at this point…but I just don’t know.

There are moments that I think of you a few years ago around the holidays with Dad still here and how much I looked forward to our usual Christmas Eve dinner at the house, and how you and Sue would pass the pkgs around and wait to see the looks on our faces after we would open a gift.

I also remember the first Christmas without Dad, and how tough it was for you to even look at Sue decorating the house.

That was a pretty tough day for the both of us, and I was glad when you went to the city to stay with the family there.

I knew it was better for you that way.

And last Christmas was better for us wasn’t it…it didn’t seem to hurt so much, and we were all smiling ( well I wasn’t when all I got were clothes! ) and again, you were in Brooklyn for the New Year.

This year is different, now both you and Dad are gone, and there are the dark moments that I still have now and then.

I don’t know how I will feel on Christmas Eve or Christmas day…I guess I will have to just wait and hope for the best…

Lewis

Our first Thanksgiving without you both has come and gone and now I understand how you felt a few years ago mom.

I remember that first Thanksgiving without dad…how hard it was for you…and when we hadn’t mentioned dad…how upset you had been.

I understand now…I felt the same way last week…I hadn’t even had the chance to say anything about you and dad…I felt angry and later I had an argument with Sam.

I understand your distress, I understand your sense of loss now…I understand now all to well, what you had felt then mom…all too well…

And I know I’ll have the same feelings again very soon…our first Christmas without you both…

Lewis

Today is your first birthday in heaven Mom.

I know that you and Dad are finally happy and together again, and in a better place.

Samantha and I are going to see you and Dad later this afternoon and leave flowers for you.

It’s still hard to believe that you are not here with us.

I didn’t realize how much I would miss you Mom. I know how that must sound, but I know that we all take our family and friends for granted sometimes.

I love you Mom and I’ll see you later.

Love, your son, Lewis.

This is more of a little note to myself than anything else…

I thought that once the papers from the surrogate court had come thru, that all the headaches with Mom’s passing would be done.

Turns out there is more to be done, like setting up a new account for the ” Estate “, and paying lawyer fees ( I thought the $600 plus for the papers to be filed was all I would have to pay out ) silly me.

So the pain continues for now I guess.

On a different note, I went looking for Paula yesterday. Found her, and told her what had happened with Mom’s viewing and funeral. especially the part about the lack of people who had shown up who my Mother had known. She knew I was angry at her also, and unfortunately I left before I really told her what I thought of her, but I will never see nor hear from her again anyway.

So Mom and Dad, I have to wonder if you knew these types of things would happen…maybe I should have paid more attention to what you both had to do as far as Aunt Freida and Maddy was concerned.

I have to write your message for your first birthday in heaven Mom, as that day starts to approach.

I love you both, your son

Lewis.

While life has continued since your passing Mom, there are some things which still are happening now and are painful…

If you remember David and Vic’s mom Deborah, she is in bad shape and home now on hospice care. I went to see her yesterday, because I would have felt terrible if she had passed away and I did not visit. That visit killed me and brought back all the pain I felt with you and what we all had gone thru during your illness.

I finally had my friends over last night to play cards. It felt good and I was actually happy to be involved playing cards again.

Little baby steps to protect my very little baby soul ( a tip of the hat yet again to N. Peart ), and it is all I expect right now mom, I know you understand.

Your son

Lew

It’s officially September now mom…the long hard summer has passed…but the memories still linger…

I will not dwell on them today…I am doing just fine today…doing things that need to be done around the house…still taking care of your matters…and still striving forward.

I have not really had the time to think too much about what has happened…or the fact that you are not here anymore…

I have not been alone all this weekend…Sue has been home…Sam and Brett were here…and while we continue to think about you, all in our own way, I know that you and dad are somewhere else…enjoying the sunshine and one another’s company again…our lives have to continue on their separate paths…different yet always intertwining, always separate..yet together as one.

My summer of discontent fades with the warm days of September, and of a Labor Day spent moving forward, thinking of you and dad…and never forgetting…

I love the both of you…and I know that someday…we will all be together again…until then…

I love you both always…

your loving son..

Lewis

It’s August 30th.

One more day and it will officially be September. What I wouldn’t give to be able to turn the clock back just a few months….

To be able to say to you I ‘m sorry for yelling at you when you were driving me crazy about Samantha…

Or when you were driving me crazy about going to the doctor’s office early…

I didn’t think it would feel this bad…all the hurt…all the sorrow…trying to pretend that I’m okay…when I am falling apart inside…and no one can really help me…

It’s not fair mom…you weren’t supposed to leave me yet…again I am able to feel what you felt when dad left and I’m sorry I didn’t understand more…

It’s almost September and my thoughts turn to you again…How I have started to do the things that you had done when dad passed away…

Not being able to go right home and do the things that need to be done…not feeling comfortable in the house without someone being there…not wanting to be alone

Not being able to go to your house now..definitely an effort…

I had to go back to the funeral home yesterday to sign over the insurance checks for your service…

and while I have my moments where I still cry and cannot understand why you had to leave…I am coming to start to accept things now…

I have started to write my thank you cards to the people who came to your funeral, and who sent condolence cards to us…..

and I continue to strive forward because I know that’s what you would want…

I have your picture on my desk at work ( imagine me having a desk! ) with you at the beach, sitting in a little chair, waving hi to me…at least that’s how I choose to view it…it was a moment in time captured where you were well, happy and with your family in Brooklyn. It is how I will remember you mom…and it brings a sad smile to my face..

I love you..

Lewis