Posted by: animekid | August 29, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent…As Summer Ends..

It’s almost September and my thoughts turn to you again…How I have started to do the things that you had done when dad passed away…

Not being able to go right home and do the things that need to be done…not feeling comfortable in the house without someone being there…not wanting to be alone

Not being able to go to your house now..definitely an effort…

I had to go back to the funeral home yesterday to sign over the insurance checks for your service…

and while I have my moments where I still cry and cannot understand why you had to leave…I am coming to start to accept things now…

I have started to write my thank you cards to the people who came to your funeral, and who sent condolence cards to us…..

and I continue to strive forward because I know that’s what you would want…

I have your picture on my desk at work ( imagine me having a desk! ) with you at the beach, sitting in a little chair, waving hi to me…at least that’s how I choose to view it…it was a moment in time captured where you were well, happy and with your family in Brooklyn. It is how I will remember you mom…and it brings a sad smile to my face..

I love you..

Lewis

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Posted by: animekid | August 24, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent…7 Days Later Mom

It’s seven days later Mom….

7 days since we laid you to rest…

7 days that we continue without you…

7 days that my heart is lost….

7 days that I still can’t forget the phone call…

7 days that I haven’t slept right, felt okay, read a newspaper….

7 days that I haven’t felt that my world is upside down, and forever changed and disturbed….

7 days that your prayer candle burned….

7 days that we have grieved for your loss….

7 days that our world has not been the same….

7 days that my emotions have been in flux…

7 days that I have missed you Mom….

7 days later mom….love Lewis

Posted by: animekid | August 23, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent…Promises Unkept

As August starts to fade, my thoughts are of you this morning…has it been seven days already?

I think of what I had said to you just a few weeks ago, about having a place for you to go closer to home, away from Brooklyn and that damned hospital…closer to home, where I could come to see you after work, and that your bedroom was ready and waiting for you…

I told you about the gazebo that we had bought and set up on the back porch, so that we could all sit outside and enjoy a dinner outside, or just share the evening together…

This Sunday just passed has already been a week since you’ve left us…tomorrow will be a week since we laid you to your rest….

Your prayer candle still burns this morning, and I think of the promises that were unkept, I think of living life without you here by our side, my tears fall as the summer comes to a close, without you here with your family…Your son Lewis and daughter in law Susan, your granddaughter Samantha, your sister Dorothy, and your niece Randy and your nephew Steven, we all love you and miss you…

And as our love and pain at your loss has not diminished, nor has my discontent…my only solace is the thought that maybe ” you are just resting for a little while… ”

Your loving son Lewis

Posted by: animekid | August 18, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent…Rest In Peace Mom

Yesterday, my family and friends gathered to say goodbye to my Mother Jeannette Scozzari.

Yesterday was full of tears, sorrow, regret, and remembrance.

Again, I was disappointed by the people who were not present, but that is something that I will not dwell on further.

The service was beautiful.

The cantor said nice things in describing my mother, my cousin Randy had written a poem for mom which was very moving.

For my part, I tried to speak without breaking down, which of course did not happen. I spoke of my remembrances of mom with a heart full of joy and sorrow, and at certain moments actually made everyone smile with my reference to mom’s Ebay searches of my cousin’s Randy and Beth’s listings.

For anyone reading this post either family or friend, I want to share again the prayer card I had chosen for mom, which for myself, has given me alot of solace…

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow, but remember me in every tomorrow. Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles, I’ve only gone to rest a little while. Although my leaving causes pain and grief, my going has eased my hurt and given me relief. So dry your eyes and remember me, not as I am now, but as I used to be. Because I will remember you all and look on with a smile. Understand, in your hearts, I’ve only gone to rest a little while. As long as I have the love of each of you, I can live my life in the hearts of all of you.

Today is a new day, with the wind and a chill in the air, unusual for an August day.

The sound of a football practice whistle is blowing in the distance, and I think of my mom today with Lot’s of love and lots of joy.

My life will continue, and so also my mom’s journey.

Her spirit is free, and while I have some sadness for some things I was never able to share with her, what I did share was my love for her, of which I knew she felt untill the end.

And as I have before, in the past, I will look towards the heavens again, and cry and smile a little, looking for a glimpse or a sign, all the while hoping that she is just resting for a little while.

Posted by: animekid | August 17, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent..The Viewing

Yesterday was a day I tried to keep myself busy.

Taking care of details with my Mom’s assets, trying to do a few things around the house, getting a haircut, anything I could to avoid thinking about what was to come later.

The viewing I had arranged for my mother was from 7 to 9 pm at the funeral home here in town.

The drive there was at best uncomfortable for me.

My breathing came faster and harder as I walked down the isle and approached my Mother’s coffin.

I cried as I knelt down beside her.

As I held her hands, they were cold to the touch, as they were on Monday at the hospital.

I was hoping that somehow, someway, her eyes would open again and she would smile at me again and hold my hand.

My wife Susan was very hard hit by the reality of seeing my Mother at rest, and she and my Daughter wept in unison.

Two of my Mother’s past co-workers came to say good by, and some of my friends and co-workers were also present with me, chief among those, my friend and brother in arms Ken and his girlfriend Candace.

I was also surprised by a friend who happened to work at the funeral home, my friend Jeannette ( more irony, as she shares my Mother’s first name ) who I hadn’t seen for some time and I admit did not recognize at first.

While I was glad for the people that had come to pay their respects, I was also disappointed by the people who had not. Most were people who I worked with, who I purposely had made this evening viewing for, due to some things that were said to me after my father’s passing, and so again I have seen who are my friends and who are not and I will remember.

Today is the day I lay my Mother to rest, next to my Father.

Tomorrow will be the day that I celebrate for my Mom….

While still in the hospital, I had told my Mom of the huge lobsters that I had seen in Shoprite, and had promised her that when she came home that we would share one together. Tomorrow, I will keep that promise, raising a fork and a glass in celebration of my Mom and her life…but that is tomorrow…today I lay my Mother to rest…and today I mourn her passing…I am her only child…I am her only son…

Posted by: animekid | August 16, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent..Post the Third

Kiki woke me up at 5 am.

I swear this dog has a mini alarm set to wake me up early.

For some reason, I had the song ” Only The Lonely ” by the Motels dancing thru my head ( usually I have some Rush song flowing up there ) this morning, and after tossing & turning in bed for a while decided to get up, have my coffee fix and do some writing.

This week is just flying by…not sure if this is a good thing or not. Wasn’t it just Monday, didn’t I just drive down to Brooklyn?

Thursday has come too soon….I tried to slow it down to no avail. This evening is the viewing for mom. I wanted her to have the one thing Dad did not have.

I’m anxious to see who will come here tonight….

I went to my parents house yesterday to get the mail, and our neighbor ( Annie ) stuck her head out of her window to tell me how sorry she was about mom, and to inform me of her husband’s passing last April….my first thought upon hearing this news was why he lived longer than my Dad?

Speaking of dad, I have to go and see him today…

As I am writing this there are three things I find ironic…

1) Mom’s room upstairs was finally ready for her

2) Mom passed away a day before Dad did…

3) And she is being laid to rest a day after he was…

Sue mentioned the passing of baseball great Phil Rizzuto and said that now mom would have someone to talk baseball with.

Sue and I have been watching Dark Shadows on DVD lately…and while this was an exciting series that I used to run home from school everyday during the 60’s to view, today some of what we see just makes you laugh…Sue was making fun last night of a scene that should have been dramatic, and I said to her that mom would have done the same thing you just did and we both laughed…it’s the first time I have laughed in days now.

Posted by: animekid | August 15, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent..Post the second

This morning I picked up the local newspaper, The Times Herald Record,  knowing what I would find there today….

My mother’s obit notice ran this morning, and just as before, with my dad, seeing the words in black and white, drives home the fact that she is really gone.

And I am angry…

I’m angry, for so many different reasons….

I’m angry that my father wasn’t here when I needed him most

I’m angry that I was an only child, who had to make the tough decisions as to my mother’s care….

I’m angry at the people who were supposed to be her friends, and who either turned their backs on her or just simply made excuses to me when it came to making the effort to go and see her in the hospital…

I’m angry at the doctors who couldn’t make her well again…

I’m angry that I have had to relate her passing to strangers, while attending to her personal matters….

I think…most of all, I am angry at myself, because when mom would make her daily call to me from my family in Brooklyn…there were times I would jokingly say to her “ Mom, you don’t have to call everyday, there is nothing new going on “….in the weeks after her admission to the hospital, when she was put on the respirator, I was not able to hear her voice, hear her speak my name again….I would give anything to hear my mother speak my name again, to hear her say just one more time ” I love you Lewis

Posted by: animekid | August 14, 2007

Jeannette Scozzari -10/30/32 – 08/12/07

Sunday night, my Mom, Jeannette Scozzari finally succumbed to her illness and passed away at Beth Israel Hospital in Brooklyn.

I received the call at 9:50 pm.

And then came the task of making the phone calls, to family, and friends.

On Monday, I drove down to the hospital to see her body, crying in spurts as I drove down the Palisades. My cousins Randy and Beth, met me at the hospital, tried to convince me not to see my mom in the morgue, they felt it would only make me feel worse. It was one of those moments that you can’t really convey in words. Those scenes in the movies that you see sometimes really cannot adequately show how it is when you step up to a loved one who has passed, in that situation. The feeling I had for the briefest of moments was surreal, as if I were looking at someone else, who was doing what I was doing. I stepped up to where my mom was, and the tears started to flow freely, almost like a torrent of rain. I held her in my arms, and thru my tears I kissed her forehead, and I told her I was sorry, sorry for not being able to get her home, sorry that I wasn’t with her before she left us, and that I loved her always.

After going to my cousin Randy’s house for a little bit, I took the drive home, away from my mom for the short term.

I made the Funeral arrangements for her. She will be placed beside my dad at a Veterans Cemetery near where we live.

During all of my mom’s hospitalization, I tried to be as positive as the moment would allow, to put on the brave face.

More often than not, I would break down and cry, thou I would try not to do it in front of her.

It’s rather ironic in a way, last weekend on Sunday, I got into a fight with the nursing staff there, because I couldn’t get a nurse for my mom when she needed one in an emergency.

I had the head nurse come upstairs, and I filed a complaint.

In trying to calm me down, this woman, who had not an inkling of what I had been thru for the past two years with my dad, asked me if I had some sort of anxiety that she might be able to help me with. I told her no, which was not true of course, but made it clear that it was unacceptable that a nurse was not always available to help my mom and the other patients that were in the room with her.

Before I left to go home last Sunday, I stopped at the nurse’s office. I told this woman that, yes there was some anxiety on my part, because I just got done having to write a second anniversary memorial for my dad, on the date of his death, while my mom was hooked up to a vent unit, the same as he had been, just a while ago.

I once wrote a memorial for my dad, in which I had spoken of he and my uncle, being together on a heavenly cruise ship, gambling together, and of course arguing about something inconsequential together, and always laughing together afterward.

If this is really true, than yesterday, my mother joined her husband, finally happy again, along with my uncle, and my other family members, who have passed, hugging one another, holding hands, and continuing their journey together hand in hand, happy and unencumbered of life’s problems.

My heart is heavy, and I grieve the loss of both my parents now, both I love them both now more than ever, and will always honor and cherish them both, until we are together again.

Lew Newmark

Posted by: animekid | August 11, 2007

The Summer of my Discontent..The First of Many Posts.

Post-The First

First, I haven’t posted here for a long while, because I have started and have regularly posted on my other main blog, Fanboy@50. But if you have read a post or more there lately, you know of my Mother’s illness, and her extended stay at a hospital in Brooklyn.

Well, after several posts there, I felt that I needed to write about my situation here instead.

I made the trip again to the hospital in Brooklyn today, and saw my mother, again on the vent unit. A vent unit that I am partially responsible for her being on in the first place, thus my enduring guilt over her being on this breathing apparatus that is either helping her breath, or doing the breathing for her, dependant on how strong she might be feeling and how strong her lungs are.

I really need to go back in time, to really give you, the reader of this post some back history…

I was born on July 25th, 1957, in ….you guessed it…Brooklyn, NY.

Okay, now we skip forward 48 years in my future to July 2005.

My birthday that year fell on a Monday.

It also was the day that my father had to go into the hospital where I live for some tests. The hospital was not able to find anything wrong with my dad.

I drove my parents back to their house, and had to help my dad walk up our front steps. As we were walking up the steps, my dad turned to me, crying and said to me ” Lewie, what am I going to do? ”

I remember telling my dad, that we will get thru this together as a family. Two days later, Wednesday, the 27th of July, I was diagnosed with COPD, or Cardio Obstructive Pulmonary Disease.

I went to my parents home to tell them what had happened. My parents were upset about the diagnosis, both I told them both that it was early stage, and was treatable.

Thursday, July 28th, I got a call from my Mom at 6am…she was taking my Dad back to the hospital upon his asking her to call for an ambulance.

This time, Dad was admitted into the hospital.

My Dad would not leave there again.

The day of my birthday, when we were at the hospital, my dad had asked me to make sure that I always take care of my mother, and I told him not to worry about that, not realizing that maybe he had an inkling that he would not be with us much longer….

End of Post The First

Posted by: animekid | January 23, 2007

Do you believe this nonsense!

I haven’t posted here in a while because I haven’t really been angry about alot of things ( per se ) but when I heard this on the local morning show, I was like ” what are they thinking? ”

Did you hear that some government legislator is trying to pass a bill that will make it illegal to spank your child? Where was this law when I was growing up?

I can tell you that I have heard my daughter on several occasions ( when I was joking with her or not ) say to me ” go a head and slap me, and I go call the police, to which I always said to her ” well if your going to do that, I better make it worth your while! ”

Warning; when the government is more than willing to step in and tell you what you can and cannot do in raising a child, we’re in trouble folks. While I understand some of the reason for this measure, I am afraid of the broad interpretation that would be inferred with this measure. When you take away the right of a parent to discipline a child, you might just as well give the child a shotgun, and pray for the best.

I say that the government needs to limit ( or even better ) mind it P’s and Q’s when it comes to child rearing. Without a parent being able to disipline their child, guaranteed that you will see more acts of parents actually being abused by their children, and more children joining gangs, just because they can.

And in closing this little note, just remember that we are a new society that thinks it is perfectly fine to video tape a girl being beaten up by three other girls, over a boy, and the whole thing videotaped ( probably by the boy in question ) and the girls and the boy probably thinking that there would be no consequences for this act! And why do things like this happen?

Because, you and I, parents are letting it!

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